What should I do about my almost 20 year old daughter who is engaged and wants to move out?

My daughter is a first year in university and lives at home. She met a man who is 25 about two and half months ago. He is really nice but isn't in school or anything. He has a steady and stable job though and is planning on returning to school because my daughter asked him to.
They see each other two or three times a week. He doesn't distract her from school work because he's always at work. He's doing roughly 40-45 hours a week.
My daughter wanted to sleep over at his house and I don't like it. I feel like her younger siblings (12, 9 and 4) might wonder where she is during the night. He's allowed to sleep over here on the couch but unfortunately with the little ones downstairs they spend most of their time in her room which has no tv or anything. so they'd rather stay at his place. she spends a lot of money on cabs because he lives an hours walk and no busses run after 6.
I don't like her sleeping there

Anyways she said about how it isn't fair and she should be allowed sleeping there once a month but it makes me uncomfortable and I don't want her to get in the habit.

Her and her boyfriend are engaged now. She said she'd wait until after university to get married.
He's offered for her to move in but she hasn't pushed me for it. My husband works away at sea for 2/3 of the year leaving me behind with my daughter and three younger children (12, 9, and 4).
She is suggesting that she moves out for that 1/3 of the year that my husband is home so she can babysit when we want to go out but still have her freedom.

I don't like this at all. I feel like she is moving too fast and she isn't enjoying life to the fullest. She seems to really love him and sees him as a best friend but it makes me nervous. It's so soon and I feel like my family will look at me funny.
He gets along great with the kids, they absolutely love him. Our entire extended family seems to think he's a very sweet and silly guy.

How do I manage this situation?
I feel like she's abandoning me and confusing the children. I feel like she's going to soon even though she's seems very sure in her decision - more sure than anything else.
She doesn't care about the risks she says she loves him a lot and wants to spend the rest of her life with him because he makes her so happy. She says if she becomes unhappy she will leave just like a relationship. He is just as set as she is.
It frightens me though because I'm afraid she'll get hurt.

How do I handle this situation? Is it unfair of me to be so critical and not allow any flexibility?

Thank you






Answer :
"If you love someone, let them go."

Your daughter is an adult now. That doesn't change the fact that you're her mother and that you care about her and worry about her... but she is ready to stand on her own feet. She no longer needs "parenting" so to speak.

She might get hurt - anyone of any age in any relationship might get hurt. It's part of life and learning and growing and no parent can protect their child from this.

I honestly don't think this would affect your younger children. I have four younger siblings and none of them were affected in the slightest by my having a boyfriend at 20! It sounds like you're worried about losing her adult company, especially as your husband is away. Let her live her life and she'll come back to you. It sounds like she's being more than reasonable and giving plenty of consideration to you and your needs... but she shouldn't need to feel she can't live as she chooses for fear of hurting her mother. You're lucky she's even asking permission to stay with him at the age of 20!

Basically, the situation doesn't need handling in any way. Just trust her judgement and be there if she needs you. You don't have to let him sleep over at your house, especially with the other kids around... but there's no reason why a 20 year old can't stay over at her boyfriends house.






Answer :
Your daughter is an adult not a child. It is time she moves out anyway. It is her decision and she may not have gone this route had she moved out to go to school rather than staying home. However, the only thing you can do is let her know how you feel then if she opts to go wish her well, have a bridal shower once the date is set and hope for the best.






Answer :
As far as abandoning you, she's doing what is the natural order of things by creating a family of her own. I understand feeling like she's rushing things but all you can do is mention your concerns, let her chew it over and stand back.






Answer :
She's definitely old enough to spend the night with her fiance. I understand your concerns how it looks to the younger children though. I would tell them either she's at a girlfriend's house, or explain she's at her boyfriend's but they sleep in different rooms. They don't need to know the truth.

You can't worry about her "abandoning" you. It's not her job to raise the other children. It's her job to live her life fully and attend school and do well there.






Answer :
IMHO, it sounds like you want to her at home to help out with the other children.

She is an adult, and at 20 years old, I see no reason for her to still be living at home if she doesn't want to. She is an adult, and engaged to this man, so she should be allowed to stay over at his house.

It does seem awful quick to get engaged though






Answer :
Take your daughter out to eat, Neutral location. Express your concerns, Ask her to give them serious thought. At the end or near the end of the meal. Also say or ask if how you can help with the wedding if it is her true chouse after serious thought on her part.






Answer :
Legally you cannot stop her from getting engaged at 20 years old as she is now an adult. You have no legal authority over her once she turned 18. There are some people who are ready for marriage in their late teens-20s. I got married at 19 and my husband is 8 years older than I am. We are still together 3 years later and very happy. I'm in college now and my husband graduated December 2009 with a Master degree. I plan on getting four degrees in total (am almost done with my 3rd semester of college). She is not "abandoning you" she is living her life. It sounds to me like your daughter and her fiancee are very mature for their age and know what they want in life. I do question the fact that the only reason her fiancee is going back to school is because she asked him to. He should go back to school because HE wants to, not to make his fiancee happy. Not all girls in their teens-20s are into partying, sleeping with random men, bar hopping, drinking, partying lifestyle. I was never into that kind of nonsense as a teenager. I was more focused on settling down and starting a family and was more mature than the majority of girls in my senior class. Good grades were important to me in school and I didn't want to mess that up by partying, bar hopping,, sleeping around like a hoe, etc. I managed to graduate high school in the top 50 out of 200 students, get to be Salutatorian in 11th grade, got inducted into the National Honor Society at 19, graduated high school twice with two high school diplomas and graduated high school with a 3.313 GPA. I was on the Dean's List with a 3.50 QPA my first semester of college (which I got done in 3 months at 21 years old). I thought about college off and on after we got married (one of the reasons I got married young is because I was being forced to go to college against my will by my mother and guidance counselor at school and I wasn't ready for college). I also know my limits and knew if I went to college that college boys would take advantage of me and then I wouldn't be pure on my wedding night (which was important to me). My husband is the one who encouraged me to go to college and is very supportive of my education major (I'm doing an A.S. in Early Childhood Education.) My point is that you can be successful if you marry young. And your other children need to realize that their sister is a grown woman and is going to one day leave the family, get married and have her own children. They need to understand that big sister isn't going to be there forever. I have three younger siblings myself (a 20 year old sister, 10 year old sister, and 7 year old brother). They are understanding of me being married and realize that just because I am married, doesn't mean that I will ignore them. They know I will always be there for them even when my husband and I have our own children (Insha Allah).






Answer :
You manage the situation with grace and dignity. Let your daughter move out - she is old enough. It's not fair on her if you treat her as a husband substitute. The whole idea of having children is to raise them to be happy, healthy and independent adults. By moving out she is not abandoning you just taking the next natural step in her life.

I reworked this,better? Worse? Eh,what?

Thoughts on the Sea World disaster

Once this fierce leviathon
threaded waves from hurricanes,
his freedom bursting from his breast
just like his churning spitting breath.
Now a sorry speciman swimming a small pool
with no conviction.
He dragged the mermaid to her death, unconscious of her love for him.
He perceived her as another circus toy
another tempting fish
to make his addling brain
even more confused
as to what his role is supposed to be
in this wrong and fearful place.






Answer :
BRAVO! Poor thing was imprisoned BEFORE he committed the crime. My condolences to the family of the trainer, though; she had to have loved her work - and the creatures.






Answer :
First of all, I hate, ... nay, loathe people who kiss butt without any real depth to their analysis.

My opinion, what do I think?
Eh. It doesn't seem to flow enough for my own taste The word "conviction" doesn't quite seem right, in my own opinion. A sorry specimen swimming a small pool with no conviction.... so he's swimming, without being convinced of the truth, not accepting that he's in captivity? Maybe that's what you mean?

Just FYI, "leviathon" is "leviathan".

I actually think he did know she felt love. I think that's why he got hormonal and grabbed her, because in a way he was reaching out to her. Poor guy. This is an example of how I would write it, in my own way, using your poem as inspiration:

Once this fierce leviathan
threading waves from hurricanes
swimming, eating, bursting freedom
no shackles, loneliness or pain

now a prisoner confined in place
condemned for venting frustration
mother nature defends its case
beast pleads, twas only affection

restless, confused he swam around
hormones raging, calmness abating
day dreaming the past, applauding crowd
thoughts of escape, his family waiting

motherly saint who feeds me fish?
Oh look a human toy what's this?
Leaping craze, his grand finish
an innocent mermaid, meets heaven's bliss

Something like this..... with flow. entertaining, sends a message, easy to understand.
just my humble opinion, I hate criticizing art, I prefer to use it to inspire myself to create something new and different :) so no criticism here, your art is yours, your work inspired me to express it in my own way :)

Love Question: I need Advice?

I've been with my girlfriend (only girlfriend) for about 8 months now. July 21st last year.

I don't feel as though i'm in love with her.
I care about her soooooooo much and I think she is an awesome person and she does mean the world to me. but.. I like my space, she went over seas for a month and I didn't really miss her that much at all, when I hear love songs I don't think of her, they remind me about how much someone i was in love with hurt me.

There is so much I want to do and I don't want to settle down and commit and worry about someone all the time and make sure it's ok with them for me to do things so they're not lonely.

I ask for space but it doesn't work for her, I don't wanna hurt her, I kinda told her yesterday and she fell to bits over it but id rather it happen now then later on down the track, she is great and i know im hurting her. but my concellor told me you cant be with someone out of pitty.

love is love right doesnt it have to be that special kind of thing, I dont feel happy. I wish she could be, maybe in the future but i feel like we rushed things way to much and i just miss having my freedom.






Answer :
Because you believe "you should never let anything, anyone or any excuse hold you back from doing what you wanna achieve in life" it seems to me that you should let her know that you want to move on in your life without any commitment right now, and that it doesn't mean you don't love her, only that you have places to go and things to do before you might someday be ready to settle down with somebody.

Yes, if she loves you and is attached to being with you, it will hurt her, but it will hurt both of you if you just keep stringing her along while wishing you were free to live your life as you want to right now.






Answer :
As much as It sucks dude you know the answer. Its better to hurt someone because you walked away then to scar them for life saying something hurt or even worse, if you care about her than you should let her go and enjoy your freedom. But really think about what you want.






Answer :
Let me first say: There are many forms of love.

I'm sure and can see that you do care...but i can also see that you don't care for her as much as one should while in a relationship.

I do not get your question but best thing for both you AND her is to break up (if you have not already).

Even though she will be hurt, she'll get over it and find someone else. There are many others.
But you should let her know that you do love her...but more of as a good friend. (Because that is basically how you feel)






Answer :
Honey your counsellor is absolutely right, you cannot nor should not be with anyone out of pity, even just for friendships sake. People have actually married when one felt the way you do, and the marriage goes on for some years, but the yearning to really feel that special emotionally love that truly does bite us when it happens, will nag away at you, and eventually people such as these end up having affairs.

So your perfectly right in saying better the hurt now than X amount of years down the line, when you may not just be hurting yourself and her but you own kids.

Sure the poor girl fell to bits for she is in love with you, but she is also hurting because deep down she knows her love is unrequited love, and that it will never work if you don't feel the same. So be brave, tell her you know that she is hurting, and that when she comes to realise that it was for the best that you split, and is over the hurt she is feeling now, you would appreciate still being friends with her - friendship has a love of its own, and often one that is more guaranteed to last, tell her that, and maybe it will help.

Unfortunately today many young girls and women push you guys for marriage too quick. They have their heads in the clouds with the romance of it all, but marriage is a life time commitment and one that brings romantic wishes down to reality very fast. I am not opposed to marriage, I am not saying that, but when you got a house to run, a job to go to daily, and then pick up your kids on the way home from work - romance even then has to be worked at, cos your both so tired. She thinks of love and marriage as that beautiful wedding day and fairy story ending.

Your doing the right thing, say what you need to say and walk away quickly. She will not be the only one hurting for a while anyway, so will you, for I can tell your a decent guy that hates the idea of hurting her feelings, but you will hurt her a far lot more if you go along with her and her dreams.

Good Luck. And by the way she will come to understand one day that it was the right thing you did, and she will respect you for that - but right now she still has some emotionally maturity to gain.

AP Literature Exam Practice help? Desperately need this. I have some done already!?

I cannot do compare-contrast essays worth my life. I desperately need this, and I have some done. Could you help me finish it? Please?
Here is the question.
In each of the following poems, the speaker responds to the conditions of a particular place and time --- England in 1802 in the first poem, the United States about 100 years later in the second. Read each poem carefully. Then write an essay in which you compare and contrast the two poems and analyze the relationship between them.

London, 1802
Milton! thou should'st be living at this hour:
England hath need of thee: she is a fen
Of stagnant waters: altar, sword and pen,
Fireside, the heroic wealth of hall and bower,
Have forfeited their ancient English dower
Of inward happiness. We are selfish men;
Oh! raise us up, return to us again;
And give us manners, virtue, freedom, power.
Thy soul was like a Star and dwelt apart:
Thou hadst a voice whose sound was like the sea;
Pure as the naked heavens, majestic, free,
So didst thou travel on life's common way,
In chearful godliness; and yet thy heart
The lowliest duties on itself did lay.
-William Wordsworth (1770-1850)
*Milton refers to Paradise Lost

Douglass
Ah, Douglass, we have fall'n on evil days,
Such days as thou, not even thou didst know,
When thee, the eyes of that harsh long ago
Saw, salient, at the cross of devious ways,
And all the country heard thee with amaze.
Not ended then, the passionate ebb and flow,
The awful tide that battled to and fro;
We ride amid a tempest of dispraise.

Now, when the waves of swift dissension swarm,
And Honour, the strong pilot, lieth stark,
Oh, for thy voice high-sounding o'er the storm,
For thy strong arm to guide the shivering bark,
The blast-defying power of thy form,
To give us comfort through the lonely dark.
-Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)
*Frederick Douglass refers to an American writer, former slave, and leader in the abolitionist cause

Here is what I have done:
In the two poems by William Wordsworth and Paul Laurence Dunbar, the authors write to a figure of leadership. They each tell about misfortunes of their countries. Both poems were written about one hundred years apart, but carry a similar message.

The poem written by William Wordsworth tells about a message to John Milton. It describes how the English have become selfish and have lost their heritage and freedom. Wordsworth depicts how if Milton would return, he would be able to lead England and restore their virtues, freedom, and power.

In Paul Laurence Dunbar’s poem, there is a similar message. This message was composed for Frederick Douglass. Dunbar requests Douglass’s assistance



I know this is not much, but could you give me ideas on how to finish this?
Thank you so much to whoever helps me!






Answer :
Bith are asking for a kind of moral and spiritual guidence through dark and troubling times. If they were here, they could make it right and set us on the proper course