My daughter is a first year in university and lives at home. She met a man who is 25 about two and half months ago. He is really nice but isn't in school or anything. He has a steady and stable job though and is planning on returning to school because my daughter asked him to.
They see each other two or three times a week. He doesn't distract her from school work because he's always at work. He's doing roughly 40-45 hours a week.
My daughter wanted to sleep over at his house and I don't like it. I feel like her younger siblings (12, 9 and 4) might wonder where she is during the night. He's allowed to sleep over here on the couch but unfortunately with the little ones downstairs they spend most of their time in her room which has no tv or anything. so they'd rather stay at his place. she spends a lot of money on cabs because he lives an hours walk and no busses run after 6.
I don't like her sleeping there
Anyways she said about how it isn't fair and she should be allowed sleeping there once a month but it makes me uncomfortable and I don't want her to get in the habit.
Her and her boyfriend are engaged now. She said she'd wait until after university to get married.
He's offered for her to move in but she hasn't pushed me for it. My husband works away at sea for 2/3 of the year leaving me behind with my daughter and three younger children (12, 9, and 4).
She is suggesting that she moves out for that 1/3 of the year that my husband is home so she can babysit when we want to go out but still have her freedom.
I don't like this at all. I feel like she is moving too fast and she isn't enjoying life to the fullest. She seems to really love him and sees him as a best friend but it makes me nervous. It's so soon and I feel like my family will look at me funny.
He gets along great with the kids, they absolutely love him. Our entire extended family seems to think he's a very sweet and silly guy.
How do I manage this situation?
I feel like she's abandoning me and confusing the children. I feel like she's going to soon even though she's seems very sure in her decision - more sure than anything else.
She doesn't care about the risks she says she loves him a lot and wants to spend the rest of her life with him because he makes her so happy. She says if she becomes unhappy she will leave just like a relationship. He is just as set as she is.
It frightens me though because I'm afraid she'll get hurt.
How do I handle this situation? Is it unfair of me to be so critical and not allow any flexibility?
Thank you
Answer :
"If you love someone, let them go."
Your daughter is an adult now. That doesn't change the fact that you're her mother and that you care about her and worry about her... but she is ready to stand on her own feet. She no longer needs "parenting" so to speak.
She might get hurt - anyone of any age in any relationship might get hurt. It's part of life and learning and growing and no parent can protect their child from this.
I honestly don't think this would affect your younger children. I have four younger siblings and none of them were affected in the slightest by my having a boyfriend at 20! It sounds like you're worried about losing her adult company, especially as your husband is away. Let her live her life and she'll come back to you. It sounds like she's being more than reasonable and giving plenty of consideration to you and your needs... but she shouldn't need to feel she can't live as she chooses for fear of hurting her mother. You're lucky she's even asking permission to stay with him at the age of 20!
Basically, the situation doesn't need handling in any way. Just trust her judgement and be there if she needs you. You don't have to let him sleep over at your house, especially with the other kids around... but there's no reason why a 20 year old can't stay over at her boyfriends house.
Answer :
Your daughter is an adult not a child. It is time she moves out anyway. It is her decision and she may not have gone this route had she moved out to go to school rather than staying home. However, the only thing you can do is let her know how you feel then if she opts to go wish her well, have a bridal shower once the date is set and hope for the best.
Answer :
As far as abandoning you, she's doing what is the natural order of things by creating a family of her own. I understand feeling like she's rushing things but all you can do is mention your concerns, let her chew it over and stand back.
Answer :
She's definitely old enough to spend the night with her fiance. I understand your concerns how it looks to the younger children though. I would tell them either she's at a girlfriend's house, or explain she's at her boyfriend's but they sleep in different rooms. They don't need to know the truth.
You can't worry about her "abandoning" you. It's not her job to raise the other children. It's her job to live her life fully and attend school and do well there.
Answer :
IMHO, it sounds like you want to her at home to help out with the other children.
She is an adult, and at 20 years old, I see no reason for her to still be living at home if she doesn't want to. She is an adult, and engaged to this man, so she should be allowed to stay over at his house.
It does seem awful quick to get engaged though
Answer :
Take your daughter out to eat, Neutral location. Express your concerns, Ask her to give them serious thought. At the end or near the end of the meal. Also say or ask if how you can help with the wedding if it is her true chouse after serious thought on her part.
Answer :
Legally you cannot stop her from getting engaged at 20 years old as she is now an adult. You have no legal authority over her once she turned 18. There are some people who are ready for marriage in their late teens-20s. I got married at 19 and my husband is 8 years older than I am. We are still together 3 years later and very happy. I'm in college now and my husband graduated December 2009 with a Master degree. I plan on getting four degrees in total (am almost done with my 3rd semester of college). She is not "abandoning you" she is living her life. It sounds to me like your daughter and her fiancee are very mature for their age and know what they want in life. I do question the fact that the only reason her fiancee is going back to school is because she asked him to. He should go back to school because HE wants to, not to make his fiancee happy. Not all girls in their teens-20s are into partying, sleeping with random men, bar hopping, drinking, partying lifestyle. I was never into that kind of nonsense as a teenager. I was more focused on settling down and starting a family and was more mature than the majority of girls in my senior class. Good grades were important to me in school and I didn't want to mess that up by partying, bar hopping,, sleeping around like a hoe, etc. I managed to graduate high school in the top 50 out of 200 students, get to be Salutatorian in 11th grade, got inducted into the National Honor Society at 19, graduated high school twice with two high school diplomas and graduated high school with a 3.313 GPA. I was on the Dean's List with a 3.50 QPA my first semester of college (which I got done in 3 months at 21 years old). I thought about college off and on after we got married (one of the reasons I got married young is because I was being forced to go to college against my will by my mother and guidance counselor at school and I wasn't ready for college). I also know my limits and knew if I went to college that college boys would take advantage of me and then I wouldn't be pure on my wedding night (which was important to me). My husband is the one who encouraged me to go to college and is very supportive of my education major (I'm doing an A.S. in Early Childhood Education.) My point is that you can be successful if you marry young. And your other children need to realize that their sister is a grown woman and is going to one day leave the family, get married and have her own children. They need to understand that big sister isn't going to be there forever. I have three younger siblings myself (a 20 year old sister, 10 year old sister, and 7 year old brother). They are understanding of me being married and realize that just because I am married, doesn't mean that I will ignore them. They know I will always be there for them even when my husband and I have our own children (Insha Allah).
Answer :
You manage the situation with grace and dignity. Let your daughter move out - she is old enough. It's not fair on her if you treat her as a husband substitute. The whole idea of having children is to raise them to be happy, healthy and independent adults. By moving out she is not abandoning you just taking the next natural step in her life.
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