What do you think of my poem?

just to let you know im 13, and this is a poem for school Competition, it has to be on our perfect day. mine is a trip to mars.

Soaring through the cryptic night sky
A feeling of freedom
As you bid your earth goodbye

Like gliding through a weightless sea
Full of flashing diamonds,
Each one of them so free

The time to disembark is here
Time to make history
Time to brush away your fear

Stepping down from your safe tin box
Onto the foreign lees
And the blood red rocks

Standing in the shadowy gleam,
Of the distant twin moons
And far away sunbeams

Dawn on the red planet is nigh
As the dim rising sun,
Illuminates the pure sky

But wait! Other footsteps match your pace,
And from the labyrinth of rocks
Emerges a green face......






Answer :
Fantastic! Just a suggestion, for the last line "Emerges a green face......" the syllables sound out of place, so try adding big, or little, or something along the lines of that, other than that fantastic.






Answer :
Take away cryptic
weightless
disembark ( too heavy here)
tin box (sandy shore?
green face (emerald eyes?
thanks






Answer :
Take away cryptic
weightless
disembark ( too heavy here)
tin box (sandy shore?
green face (emerald eyes?
thanks